About 4 weeks ago, in fact the day after our mammoth drive through the White Mountains, I started to feel pain in my lower back. It was uncomfortable at first, but not debilitating. During the week though the pain got steadily worse until by the weekend I could barely walk. The only pain free position I could get into was lying flat on the floor—and apart from a couple of days of respite due to a high dose of steroids, I have been unable to walk more than a few feet since then without experiencing agonising pain.
Last week I had an MRI taken of my back that has confirmed I have a herniated disc (a prolapsed disc for my British readers) in my spine that is pressing on the sciatic nerve and causing the throbbing and shooting pain I feel from my lower back all the way down my right leg.
Today is day 20 and the pain is slowly getting worse. I cannot get pain free even lying flat any more. For the last two nights I have not slept more than 4 hours before waking with the pain. I am confined to my bedroom and can just make it to the bathroom and back before needing to collapse on the floor, experiencing pain that brings me to tears.
I am daily praying to Jesus to heal me. Sometimes it is more like pleading through tears than it is a confident prayer of faith. I just want the pain to go.
But in the midst of all this I know Jesus is with me and I’m learning a lot. When pain is a constant companion there is a real temptation to get angry with God. After all if he is sovereign and he loves me, and if he really can heal miraculously—then why did he allow this to happen, and why doesn’t he now stop it? This was the same temptation that Job faced in his suffering, which was to curse God (Job 2:1-10)—to blame him, and get angry with him.
So how should we respond to God when living with pain 24 hours a day? What should the attitude of our heart be, and what can we do practically to walk through it with Jesus? These are the questions that I am going to try and answer in my next few blog posts—as I face the present reality of life with Jesus and pain myself.
I love you Ian.
Is one of our responses to love Him?
That sounds trite, but is meant to imply that we see can see beyond our pain, to Jesus’ glory.
So sorry to hear things are so tough at the moment. Your presence at church is greatly missed (a small taste of the things to come). I look forward to hearing your thoughts on Jesus and pain.